


That Fine Line Between Love and Hate.

by ThatOneGayBitch



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/F, F/M, Harry Potter Has PTSD - Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and Depression, Hogwarts Eighth Year, M/M, Multi, Romance, Teenage Drama
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-04
Updated: 2019-11-15
Packaged: 2021-01-23 04:14:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,068
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21314005
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThatOneGayBitch/pseuds/ThatOneGayBitch
Summary: After the War with Voldemort, Harry Potter who is now the savior of the Wizarding World returns to the Burrow to live with his two best friends Ronald Weasley and Hermione Granger who have decided to stay at the Burrow with Harry and go to Hogwarts to repeat their 7th year of education at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Harry is trying to deal with his PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and Depression. He blames himself for the many people that have died in the war with Voldemort thinking that he could've acted sooner and saved more lives. Letting no one in not even his two best friends he struggles through the 8th year trying to be the hero everyone thinks he is while managing his PTSD and Depression.
Relationships: Draco Malfoy/Harry Potter, Harry Potter/Other(s), Hermione Granger/Ron Weasley, Luna Lovegood/Ginny Weasley
Comments: 1
Kudos: 9





	1. Drowning in Despair

**Author's Note:**

> Began this fic November 4 2019 and will not abandon it. I will try to update once week. I'll see how it works out. I will add in Ginny/Luna sooner and later but the main couple will be Draco/Harry. I started because i'm dealing with a lot in my life right now so I began writing to get my mind of things. Don't want any pity notes or comments below just want to know if its bad or good so far and what I should improve on or add.

"Haarrry Potter" a low hissing voice wound its way through the nightmare "Harry!" someone was calling his name from far... far... away. Voldemort was once again haunting Harry's dreams. A flash of green light illuminated Harry crouched against the gravestone of Tom Riddle staring at the dead body of Cedric Diggory spread-eagled on the ground, blank grey eyes gazing at the sky unseeing. Harry was still staring at him from his position underneath the gravestone, so still he looked as though he was carved from stone. "Harry!" the voice called again coming closer he stirred moaning "no, no, not again it wasn't me"

"Harry!" called the voice yet again a jet of cold water hit harry square in the face and he jerked awake staring up into the long nosed freckled face of his best friend Ron Weasley grinning down at him

"Sorry mate but mum's going crazy and she says that if we aren't ready to go to Diagon alley in 10 minutes we'll be de-noming the garden when we get back" Harry groaned rolling onto his side as Ron strode out of the room staring at one of the many Chuggly Canon posters but not really seeing it. He had, yet again been dreaming about the dark wizard that had hunted Harry almost his entire life. Lord Voldemort. Harry had defeated him secretly hunting down each of the seven horcruxes that Voldemort made to make himself almost immortal. He had killed Voldemort, yet the memories remained.

Harry rubbed at his eyes trying to push aside the heavy fog of exhaustion that had been hounding him since the day he had realized that he, Harry had been used as one of the seven horcruxes that had tied Voldemort to life. Even when the piece of soul that had been inside Harry was destroyed, he still felt tainted, contaminated. He was so heavy these days so weighed down with all the lives that Voldemort had destroyed or killed while he had hunted down the horcruxes he'd wasted countless hours, days searching for them. He could have acted sooner, searched for them faster, but because of his slow pace all those lives had been taken. Because of his fear of facing Voldemort of encountering him one day in that final duel he had been reluctant to rush the search, to face him so soon. His thoughts were interrupted by the sound of Ron's bedroom door opening. He stomped into the room banging the door open as loud as he could he could before slamming it shut making the people occupying the Chuggley Cannons posters stare.

He looked over at Harry and said in an annoyed voice "Change of plans Ginny's got spattergroit so she can't come with us and Fred’s too busy at Weasleys Wizard Wheezes with Lee so he can't come with us either. She says that since Ginny can't come with us or to school this year we'll have to get their by ourselves and buy our books and supplies on our own because she has to stay home with Ginny" he paused taking a deep breath then continued indignantly "and when I asked if we could have the key to our vault she said that Bill would give us our money when we go in. I mean where’s the trust?"

Harry forced out a smile his facial muscles straining since he had not smiled often since after the war. Ron squinted at him and asked "you okay mate? You look like your swallowing a lemon" Harry gave up another thing he was shit at then. He'd have to practice on that since he didn't plan on going through the year looking halfway to hell.  
He was supposed to be the model everyone looked up to. The perfect hero who had defeated Voldemort and saved the world. He could not be anything less, should not be anyone less. And he would never let anyone see this part of him. The dark void inside of him that grew bigger day by day devouring his feelings and sapping his energy and strength.  
Harry shook his head to clear his thoughts in time to hear Ron say "-good that you already took a shower since we want to go in a couple of minutes." Harry looked up at Ron confused then looked down at himself. His shirt stuck to his body and was damp with sweat. He quickly ran his hand through his messy black hair which was also soaked with sweat he stared at it glimmering in the light of the candles that were set into the walls of the room. It wasn’t sweat, no it was too dark for sweat.

It was blood. Like the blood that had coated Severus Snape when he’d been struck by the snake, blood that still stained the castle walls of Hogwarts, the blood of all the innocents he couldn’t save, innocents that he should’ve saved. His head was spinning he couldn’t get in any air he couldn’t breathe; he could breathe… Shit. He was having a panic attack. Nausea rose in him and his mouth went dry he had to do something, anything.

He nodded distractedly to Ron got up and strode over to the bed stand that was next to the small cot he was currently sleeping in. He opened one of the drawers it creaked and protested but he pulled harder until it was fully opened he quickly grabbed a black t-shirt with a skull design on it and a pair of blue jeans along with his last pair of boxers and ran down the burrows rickety steps as quickly as he could, and though they creaked and groaned dangerously beneath his pounding feet he didn't slow down until he'd reached the landing that held the only bathroom In the house.

He wrenched the door open and ran inside quickly closing the door making sure it was locked, he rushed over to the toilet and heaved into it. The sour taste of vomit hit him a moment before he leaned over the toilet again and spat it out. His body spasmed as he again vomited into the toilet for the third time. 

Finished Harry closed his eyes slumping against the toilet. Exhaustion rolled over him and stars danced in front of his eyes. Slowly he got to his feet and flushed the toilet then he shuffled over to the bathtub. He put the shower on turning the knob with little effort. While the water was running, slowly warming. He stripped his sweaty, vomit smelling clothes off and vanished them wish a flick of his wand. He stepped into the bathtub letting the warm water seep over his cold, exhausted body. Taking some soap from the small shelf that was built into the bathtub's side he poured it onto a rag and scrubbed at his body as though he could wash away the phantom taint of Voldemort that was hanging around him like a black cloud.

When Harry at last stepped out of the bathtub the air was so full of steam that Harry could barely see his own hand as he reached out to pull the shower curtain back. Harry stepped out of the bathtub groping for the towel that he had placed onto the counter. Giving up he slid down to the floor resting his back against the bathtub and letting his head fall back against the rim.

It was too much. Every day doing the same thing. Struggling to keep a smile on his face. It was too much being the hero everyone thought he was. He couldn't do it anymore, couldn't keep pretending to be something he wasn't he- there was movement in the haze of steam that was still thick in the air. Harry's eyes which had been slowly been closing snapped open and he stared into the fog trying to detect what it had been that he'd seen. He spun around “who is it?” he said, uncertainly.

“Is anybody there?” he asked again he swung his head from side to side trying to detect a sign of movement his ears straining to catch any sound that would escape the foggy whiteness that hung, still heavy in the air.

A face loomed out of the blank whiteness he flinched back it was Amelia Bones, Suzan Bones’ Aunt. Her face was twisted with hate. She said in a harsh voice unlike her own, "I am dead because of you. I am here because of you this is all your doing."

Another face swooped down it was Lupin; his face was unrecognizable beneath the loathing and disgust written all over his face. "My son has no father because of you. He has no parents because of your cowardice you didn't even-” 

A flash of red caught Harrys attention. Slowly he turned his head. Fred was standing there a look of disappointment on his freckled face. In a voice of utter disgust, he said quietly "I am dead because you were too afraid of Voldemort to face him as soon as the battle began. Because of your cowards’ heart I am dead, and my family hurt along with countless others. It’s all because of you.”

More faces joined those of Amelia, Lupin and Fred. Nimphodora Tonks, Her father Ted Tonks, Colin Creavy, and countless others. They converged on Harry, their faces etched with hatred and disgust. They swirled around Harry their words echoing around him "coward" one hissed, "It’s all your fault" another whispered. They surrounded him circling him moaning vicious insults into his ears. A howling whirlwind of pain, despair and guilt. Harry closed his eyes pulling his knees in hugging himself, "I know he whispered it’s me I was too late. He drank the misery and hate in. He deserved this; it was his punishment for not saving those people. There was a pounding in his head in his-

“Harry!" Hermione’s voice filtered through the door as she pounded on it again. He woke with a start blinking, the steam was gone he was lying on the floor curled up at the foot of the bathtub so tightly his spine was aching. He raised his head realizing at the same time that there were tears streaming down his face. He wiped them away quickly and forced his pain down, down, down. Down into a box shoving it in and slamming it shut and locking it. 

Slowly he got to his feet blinking to clear the sleep from his eyes and squinted looking around for his glasses he found them on the counter. Sliding them on the scrubbed at his face to get rid of the tears that were still clinging to his lashes.

"Harry" Hermione called again

Harry opened his mouth trying to call out, but his voice was gone. He coughed then cleared his throat "what?" he said. His voice was hoarse, and it shook slightly.  
"Open. The. Door... Right. Now." Her voice was stern and didn't leave room for argument. 

"What! Why? I don't have any clothes on" he tried to make his voice sound surprised and indignant. He didn't really care how she or anyone else saw him anymore clothed or bare. 

"Then put something on and open the door or I will" Harry slowly reached for his boxers and put them on then started on his jeans and t-shirt. While he was dressing, he asked her "when did you arrive?" his voice was still hoarse but this time he was pleased to hear that it didn't shake.

"Right before you ran downstairs and locked yourself in here" she said.

"Now stop stalling" she added "and let me in"  
He walked over to the door there was no time to get rid of his red rimmed eyes, so he opened the door slowly. It creaked protesting but he pushed harder and it swung open all the way revealing Hermione standing in the hallway her bushy brown hair which was shorter was pulled back in a ponytail, hands on hips she stared at him with a suspicious expression on her face. Dear god Harry thought the whole nine yards. Her brown eyes became concerned as she took him in. She quickly glanced around the hallway then pushed the door fully open and entered. With a wave of her wand the door snapped shut and the lock clicked into place. 

She then turned her concerned gaze on him "Harry" she said gently, "are you alright?" 

He glanced at her then down at the floor avoiding her gaze "I'm fine" he said his voice breaking on the last word.  
He swallowed before trying again "I'm fine" he said in a firmer voice. 

Hermione narrowed her eyes then grabbed his hand examining it. "Harry" she said in a sharp voice, "have you lost weight?

"No, no" he said airily "I just... " he quailed under the look Hermione gave him.

"Hermione sighed through her nose "Harry please don't insult my intelligence. Again."

She took a deep breath before continuing "if your fine then why are you hurling your guts up? Because it sure smells like it and by the looks of it-” she continued, overriding his feeble protests "you've been doing that pretty often" she said gesturing at Harry's arm which she was still holding. "You may be able to fool Ron but don't think you can fool me" she finished.

She noticed his red rimmed eyes at last and took a step closer to him he flinched back lowering his gaze and making his fringe fall over his face to hide them, but it was too late. She released his hand and pushed the bangs across his forehead back forcing him to look directly at her.

"Harry" she said softly, I'm here now" she paused before continuing "I'm your best friend, I'm here for you,” she hesitated then said slowly "I heard you muttering through the door. I was looking for you when I heard you" she hesitated again swallowing before she continued  
"You, you cried out it’s my fault, all my fault, they're dead because of me, and-” she hesitated yet again then said "you also muttered you were too late. You meant Voldemort, didn't you? You think that it’s your fault that all those people were slaughtered and hurt for opposing him or being connected to those people who opposed him" 

Harry said nothing only stared at the ground as though it held the answer to some unknown question that he himself didn’t know. Then he raised his hand to Hermione’s which was still holding back his bangs and gripped it gently before forcing it away from his face, then slowly as though every movement cost him a great amount of energy he turned away.  
"Hey" Hermione said gently "you don't have to push me away okay? I'm right here and I’m not leaving until-" she cut herself off as Harry turned and she drew her breath in sharply as though someone had knocked the air from her lungs, or surprised her.

Tears streamed down Harrys face as he turned back to her slowly. All the pain he'd locked in that chest with the key he'd thought he'd thrown away had exploded and he felt as though he were tearing apart from the force of it. He wanted to scream to find some way to end it all to release the pain, and self-hatred. He felt like the Cruciatus Curse was being used on him all over again. But no, he wouldn't cry out, couldn't, because it took too much energy to even breath and feel these days let alone walk and talk.  
So, he just stood their tears flowing in tiny rivulets down his face. He couldn't move couldn't breathe from the pain of it. He felt as though one slight motion would break him entirely- finish the fracturing that Voldemort had started and even from death, would finish.

"Oh Harry" Hermione cried before she embraced him in a tight hug wrapping her arms around him as his tears continued to flow silently.

"It is my fault, if I hadn't acted sooner hadn't been so damn afraid of him of facing him, of turning myself in to stop all those people from dying for my cause then- then" his voice broke and he gripped Hermione tighter trying to relieve some of the pain any of it just to get rid of just a small part of it would be a relief. 

Hermione said nothing only gripping him more firmly and rubbing her hand in small circles on Harry's back as his tears fell- still silent onto her shoulder.


	2. Freefall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The story is starting out slowly the first few chapters are just going to introduce you to the story and who is who, and what people are in the story. Again Luna/Ginny are coming into the story later on. If you have any other questions just leave them below.

The screech of the Night Bus’s wheels on pavement was Harry’s only warning before his pitched forward headfirst into the wall. He had only enough time to cast a cushioning charm before he collided with it. Or halfway at least.

He staggered trying to regain his balance before righting himself just in time for the Night Bus to make a sharp turn and sending him crashing into the wall again. This time he wasn’t so lucky, He collided with the wall and was flung to the floor.

Swearing to himself he got up and grabbed his seat before flinging himself into his chair again. Ron and Hermione grinned at him from across the row of seats, and Ron said, “you alright mate?”

Harry scowled at him and said through gritted teeth “this is the last time I’m riding this damn bus” thank god no one was on this level. Hermione had not mentioned anything about they’re early encounter and he was grateful to her for not telling Ron. His head was spinning, and exhaustion already dragged at him, his lack of sleep combined with how little he ate was slowly eating away at his reserves of energy. 

Ron’s reply was drowned out by yet another loud screech as the Night Bus stopped abruptly in front of a shabby looking pub. The conductor Stan Shunpike newly lifted from the imperious curse stepped up to the front of the bus. Harry couldn’t help noticing that Stan was more nervous and prone to flinching at even the slightest noise. He like Harry looked like he hadn’t had a good night’s sleep in a while. And shadows still flickered in his eyes. 

It had been Harry who had vouched for Stan at his hearing that he had been under the imperious curse and should not be charged with any crime.  
As Stan began to conduct in a loud voice Harry got up from his seat and began walking down the space between the two rows of seats soft scuffles and scraping noises told him that Ron and Hermione were doing the same. He made it to the front and gripped Stan's shoulder in a comforting way. Even though he himself wasn’t stable and still broken didn’t mean he couldn’t help others. Right? He gave him a reassuring smile before stepping down the Night Bus’s stairs waving a goodbye to both the driver and Stan as Hermione and Ron came down the stairs yawing and blinking in the early morning sunlight.  
As soon as they were clear of the Bus, the door slammed shut and it shot off with a bang and a wave of cold air. 

“So, what do you say we go get some butter beer and a meal before we start” said Ron stretching his considerably long arms out to their fullest extent. 

“I don’t think we should” said Hermione frowning “we really need to get all our supplies since we don’t have any of our old ones we’re going to be starting from scratch and” she said overriding Ron’s protests with a glare “since Harry got his broom back I’m assuming that you’re both going to be buying broom supplies which I’m sure is going to take another hour”

That was indeed true Harry had gone searching for his broom casting summoning spells and tracking spells to try and locate it. He had found it at a muggle store where they sold used items and had bought it from them for 10 pounds. His train of thoughts was interrupted by Ron and Hermione arguing, again. He interrupted them clearing his throat and said loudly “lets finish buying our supplies then we’ll go eat” he shot Ron a glare for he showed signs of interrupting “after that we can go get food if you like I’ll even pay for it”

Ron snapped his mouth shot and nodded grudgingly and said in a gruff voice “let’s get started then” Harry lifted his chin, squared his shoulders and keeping his back straight, and a pleasant smile on his face even though he felt hollow, and empty inside he had to hide it, had too because he was the wizarding worlds hero and couldn’t be seen as weak. He and his two best friends entered the dark, dingy, but famous pub The Leaky Cauldron. Cheers and clapping greeted them and words of “Harry Potter! “and “The savior of the wizarding world!”

He smiled and shook a people’s hands struggling to keep that damn smile on his face and to stop the cheering from bringing up visions of the war against Voldemort. He gave those who had lost family members comforting words of encouragement and others who were grateful that he’d saved their family from slaughter a smile of acknowledgment. It was not until Ron shouted over the noise that Harry really needed to go with them that he was at last able to leave the pub.

Harry let his smile dim a little while still keeping it on his face to show the general public that he was not broken that he was the champion they wanted him to be, Handsome, brave, likeable, kind, and most importable not broken by the ordeals he had faced when fighting Voldemort. 

They didn’t need any new wands though they needed robes, cauldrons, all the books on the list even those that they had already had, but had lost or worn out in Ron’s case. They also got supplies for potions, including new scales and dragonhide gloves.  
They had to go back to Madam Malkins Robes For all Occasions twice because Ron decided he wanted a better set of robes, then they went for their wizards hats which took even longer since Hermione couldn’t decide whether or not to get an extra hat or just one. He and Ron eventually left Hermione fretting over the hats and got themselves some cloaks and bought her one which they eventually gave her when she was finished with the hats.

She was pleased with the cloak but decided that she would take back one of the two hats she’d bought and gave them some of her money to buy her a set of crystal phials for potions which they had decided to buy next. They spent a while at the small store wondering which set Hermione would like best. Ron chose a plain clear set with small spirals of silver set throughout claiming he knew her best and that she’d like it. Harry gave up and allowed him to buy the set which cost more than Hermione had given them, so Ron added his own money and bought it. After that they wondered through the streets of Diagon Alley waiting for Hermione to finish with her hats. Harry was smiling at everyone, his back straight and his expression politely pleasant. He was doing well so far, keeping the scowl of his face and the nightmares from resurfacing. 

For every time he saw a tight face, or a pained expression, or even just scars from the war, it felt like someone was hitting him physically each time.  
He had actually enjoyed buying the supplies since it had distracted him from his thoughts but now that they were just wondering around aimlessly, quickly checking into a broom store and ordering flying robes before going to Florean Fortescue's Ice Cream Parlour where they were supposed to have met Hermione the feeling of emptiness of hopelessness worsened. Since she wasn’t there Ron decided he’d go looking for her leaving Harry to wait for both. As people strode past many stared or gawked at him and he met those who did with a cheery smile or a wave. Others came over and expressed their thanks or admiration and he accepted it with a generous grin and a handshake, still others wanted consolation for their dead family or friends. 

He gave everything he had, and still more people came and wanted his attention wanted to be near him, In his presence.  
His head was swimming and he knew that if he were to stand up, he would most likely faint or fall over. At last the world stopped spinning or at least it stopped slightly, enough so that he could get up and claiming he needed a bathroom break. He managed to keep his head clear as he walked as smoothly as he could into the parlour. He thought he glimpsed a streak of silver behind him as he opened the door but blamed it on his blurring vision. He made it into the bathroom then apparated out into the alley where he stumbled over to the wall, he fell to his knees clutching at his throat as that familiar panic overrode his senses.

All those people. All those people he had consoled and comforted, their families, their friends’ deaths and pain. It was his fault all his fault. He couldn’t get away from the grief. And there was Fred Weasley on the ground Percy crouched over him sobbing. Molly’s stricken face, Collin Creevey’s Fathers expression of despair as he learned of his son’s death.  
He was again standing in front of Voldemort. He was just standing their and watching as Voldemort advance on his friends on his people. Sweat coated his body and breathing became hard he tried to drag air into his lungs, tried to, and failed.

He struggled to breathe, he couldn’t get in enough air, the void inside him that was growing each day wouldn’t let him out he couldn’t climb out of it, it was too much, too great. he couldn’t get out, couldn’t breathe, he had to breath, had to just get some air into his lungs had too, had too... He could hear his fathers voice whispering in his ear, just give up. Coward, you did this, you caused this.

“augh!” he cried, out clutching his head. The voices, those voices. They were too loud, he couldn’t think over them, couldn’t breathe…

Another flash of silver caught his attention, there was a face was in front of him it swam in and out of vision one moment blurry and the other clear, he blinked trying to focus, it was Draco Malfoy.

Harry groaned doubling over, “go away Malfoy” he said through gritted teeth. Malfoy crouched next to him. Harry thought he could see concern flickering in his steel gray eyes. He reached out a hand, but Harry flinched back snarling at him with such an animalistic intensity and hate that Malfoy jerked his hand away as if he had been burned. 

When Malfoy didn’t leave Harry staggered to his feet barley getting in enough air to keep himself conscious and leaned against the wall for support all the while glaring at Malfoy then gasped out “Piss off Malfoy, this is none of your business”

Looking taken aback Malfoy took a step closer to Harry. “I just wanted to help” he said calmly. Harry was beginning to see stars again, but he managed to get out “Just because I saved you and your godsdamned family’s asses doesn’t mean I don’t want to be best bros. So, Piss. Off.

Malfoy opened his mouth to speak some emotion flickering in his eyes that Harry couldn’t make out, but he never got to hear what Malfoy was saying, nor what it was that he’d seen in Malfoys eyes, as he collapsed in a dead faint. The only thing he remembered was someone’s arms coming around him, warm and solid, catching him before he fell.


	3. That Black Void

Harry panted through his teeth and rolled onto his side. Oh god, oh god. The nightmares, that damned graveyard. Sweat coated his body and he bit his lip; he was in that halfway state between consciousness and unconsciousness. He couldn’t escape it, couldn’t wake himself from it, from this, this living nightmare.

Then there were gentle hands on him, and a soothing, calm voice was murmuring in his ear, he felt his mouth being forced open, yet he still couldn’t do anything, couldn’t stop the hands, from forcing a potion down his throat. The hands stroked his throat forcing him to swallow and almost immediately he felt himself drifting further and further into unconsciousness, he only had time to wonder where the hell he was before oblivion rose to meet him.

The potion glass clinked as Draco set it down on the floor next to the pile of blankets Harry was currently sleeping on. So, Harry had PTSD. That was why he looked halfway to hell these days. Draco wondered, not for the first time why no one had noticed. That behind the smile and the bright face and, Draco had to admit the slightly good-looking feministic features was a broken man. It explained everything, the dark circles under his eyes, the haggard face, the unnaturally thin arms, even the bitten down nails. 

Harry hid it well, that much was obvious but to Draco, it was plain as a black against white. Draco reached down and pushed back Harrys bangs from his sweat covered face and removed his glasses, placing them carefully on the floor. Draco had been too busy trying to maneuver around all the people milling around in Diagon Alley with a disillusionment charm on all the while carrying Harry let alone remove his damn glasses. He had spotted Ron and Hermione kissing on his way out in one of the closer alleys. It had been a stroke of luck he had not expected, but he had welcomed it all the same. 

After that it had been easy. He had apparated to his house, if you could call it a house, and quickly assembled a small pile of blankets which he’d laid Harry on and immediately gone to gather ingredients for the potion and then given it to Harry to treat his nightmares. Since then nothing had changed in his appearance for better or worse.

The sound of soft footsteps made Draco look up. His mother Narcissa Malfoy was standing over Harry’s prone form looking down at Draco, a small frown on her face. “His friends are going to start looking for him Draco” she said gently. 

He looked down at Harry. He looked so peaceful as if nothing was amiss, as if he was just another ordinary boy. He gently stroked Harry’s hair as he murmured and turned in his sleep. Draco had given him a potion that would put Harry into a state of Dreamless sleep.   
Frowning he touched his fingers to Harrys forehead, he almost flinched at the contact. It was hot as though he were burning up from a fever, but Draco knew that it wasn’t a fever Harry was fighting but his own consciousness. He was still worried, the potion should have been working by now, Draco had mixed the ingredients correctly, although he had added them to the potion more hastily than necessary it should still have stopped Harry from having any dreams whether bad or good.

A light touch on his shoulder made him look up. “You can’t keep him here forever, he’s not somebody you can just take from the wizarding world and not have them notice. He’s their hero. Sooner or his friends are going to notify the ministry and that wouldn’t just put you in knee deep shit but him as well” 

That made Draco look up “I know” he said reluctantly “but the proud bastard won’t let me help him” he paused before continuing “I saw the look on his face when I told him that I wanted to. But I can make him potions and put spells on him so that he won’t have those nightmares. I could maybe even improve his depression and panic attacks”  
“Not everything can be solved by magic” his mother said warningly.

“I know” he replied exasperatedly “but I can still try, can’t I?” 

Silence created his words then “You like him, don’t you?” she said in a quietly.

He stiffened then looked away refusing to meet his mother’s questioning eyes. “Draco” she murmured. 

He was silent for a few minutes and she waited patiently sitting down beside him and folding her legs gracefully beneath her. When she’d finished settling herself into comfortable position, he again looked at her and said miserably. “I can’t help it he’s he-” Draco growled in frustration as he couldn’t find the words he was looking for.

But his mother put a hand to her lips and said “I understand Draco, I do. Are you sure though? Are you sure he agrees? It’s not right to keep him here against his will no matter how you try to convince yourself he’s only here so you can help him”

Draco shook his head, frustrated “that’s just it though, mother, he doesn’t like me, he hates me. He may have stopped us from being sent to Azkaban, but he just did it because it’s in his damn nature to do good. That the only thing that matters to him. Doing the right thing. That’s what a hero is supposed to do apparently. Someone who loves everyone no matter what they do to them. But that’s as far as he’s willing to go. Past that point...” Draco pushed a hand through is hair with a sigh then continued “I can see it. I can completely understand, but that doesn’t stop me from wanting him, from liking him no matter how much I tell myself not to, It. Just. Won’t. Go. Away. And for some damn reason I don’t want it to” With that Draco got up and stalked out of the room.

Harry woke with a gasp sitting up so quickly his head spun. He blinked disorientated, He looked around quickly trying to figure out where he was. The room was small the only things in it was a small table along with his own bed which was made out of a few blankets hastily piled on top of another.

The last thing he remembered was something or someone grabbing him before he fell unconscious. But he had no other memory. He had gone to Diagon Alley with Ron and Hermione to buy school supplies for their 8th year then he had gone to wait for someone and, and. He groaned in frustration he just couldn’t grasp the fading memory it was like trying to hold water in his hands. The harder he tried to hold onto it the faster it slipped away. He folded his legs and pulled them closer to his body and hugged himself resting his chin on his knees and closing his eyes.

The emptiness was back. At least in sleep it had vanished temporarily as his terror and pain and grief hounded him. Harry felt himself drifting into sleep when he heard footsteps in the hall leading away from the small room he was occupying and his head jerked up at the same time he plunged his hand into his robes searching for the phoenix core wand he had repaired nearly a year ago almost immediately after the battle of Hogwarts had ended. The unknown person rounded the corner and Harry froze in midmotion his hand still in the pocket of his robes not moving a muscle. The pale face of Draco Malfoy stared back at him that emotion he could not interpret still in his eyes.

Now he remembered. He had, had a panic attack at the Ice cream palour where he had sat waiting for Ron and Hermione to return from returning that damn wizards (or witches) hat. He’d gone into the back alley that was directly behind the palour to try to calm himself to just let it just blow over, only to find Draco coming towards him. Despair swept over him like a wave. He’d seen everything, everything. Every weakness, every vulnerability. The panic attack, the PTSD, even his fucking depression by the look on his face. Harry knew his face had drained of colour when Draco spoke at last “I’m not going to hurt you and I’m not going to-”

“I don’t care” he said. Even to him, his voice sounded flat, void of all emotion. Draco opened his mouth to say something, but Harry strode over to the door not giving him the chance and attempted to leave but Draco was still standing their leaning against the door frame arms crossed not letting him pass. Draco being a few inches taller had the advantage, but Harry didn’t care, he didn’t care about anything anymore these days. He tipped his head back to better look at him and said again in that horrible voice that sounded so strange even to him “Get out of my way” Draco did no such thing.

Harry didn’t bother repeating himself as he punched Draco right beneath the jaw, Draco made no move to stop him and didn’t even attempt to dodge Harrys fist as it hit him. The skin on his knuckles split and pain lanced up his arm, but he hardly noticed. Rage was roaring through him, no one, no one, not even Snape had been able to get under his skin so easily and as quickly without saying even a single word as Draco had. He snarled at Draco that rage still thrumming through him “Get out of my way. Now”

Draco who was now clutching his jaw lowered his hands slowly and said in a quiet voice “No”

The rage turned to outright fury and he launched himself at Draco. But Draco stepped back and Harry almost crashed into the wall before he stopped himself, skidding to a halt merely inches from the wall. He was panting, and his fists were clenched together so hard that he knew he was drawing blood.” Do you feel that Harry?” Draco asked, “Do you feel? That’s anger your feeling” he repeated “you’re feeling” he took a step closer to Harry.

Harry took a step back. He didn’t care. He didn’t care about anything, not anymore. The anger, the rage, it was all was and, in its place, that empty void still loomed. Harry didn’t bother saying goodbye as he strode past Draco who stepped aside gracefully, letting him pass, and didn’t even allow himself to acknowledge the fact that Draco had done something, had reached him, had made him feel when nobody had done that in long, long time.


	4. Just For One Night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So a lot of people have been emailing me asking me to add Harry/Neville into the story since their are so few of them out there. I have been wanting to put Harry together with someone else before I add Draco/Harry but haven't been able to come up with who. You'll notice that in the tags their was a: Harry Potter/Other(s) so I've decided to add in Neville. If you want me to add anything else just email me, or comment below. :)

“But where have you been!” Harry groaned as Hermione asked for the 3rd time in a row.

“I’ve told you before, I was just looking at some brooms and I lost track of time” Hermione narrowed her eyes at him, and he quickly averted his gaze. It was instinct to do so after the many times Snape had entered his mind when he was training to guard his mind from attacks. 

They were on the Hogwarts train heading to the school for the final year, and Harry already wished he hadn’t agreed to go.

Hermione continued in a low whisper “You haven’t been throwing up again have you Harry?” The worry he saw in her eyes confirmed that she had assumed, once again the worst. 

“No, no I haven’t, and stop saying that Ron will hear” Ron at that moment was outside the compartment buying food from the trolley for the three of them Hermione opened her mouth to continue arguing but Ron interrupted by sliding the compartment door open and entering the compartment. Already there were 2 chocolate frogs stuffed into his mouth their legs were hanging out twitching slightly trying feebly to escape. Ron bit down on them and they went limp. 

As Ron sat down on his seat by the window Harry quickly tried to change the subject and turned to Ron “Which subjects do you plan to take this year?” he asked

Ron swallowed and said in a slightly hoarse voice “Well, I'd like to become an Auror so: Defense Against the Dark Arts, Potions-” He made a face and continued ticking the names off his fingers as he said them “-Herbology, Charms, and Transfiguration. We only need five or more and I'll just take those that we’ve always done” 

He looked expectantly at Harry who started out of his thoughts and quickly began “well I'd like to take a couple more subjects then required since I need to be the best Auror there is and that means taking more than the minimum amount required to become one-”

Ron interrupted protesting “why? Why do you need to take more subjects I'm not in any others than those 5”  
Harry paused then said in a determined voice “I need to show the wizarding world that I'm strong, that I'm powerful and that I'll still be protecting them” Understanding, and sympathy shone in Hermione’s eyes, but Ron still looked frustrated and angry.

We’ve been together for the last 6 years not counting the year we spend together hunting down Voldemort's Horcruxes so why can’t we do this together too. Our last year here?” he said loudly

“We’ll still be in the same subjects I'll just have less free periods than you, and-” he said overriding Ron’s angry protests “I don’t have much of a choice. The wizarding worlds expects the best of me, and this is it”

Ron said nothing only glared at the wall and scuffed the sole of his boot against the floor resentfully. Harry and Hermione exchanged glances; one bemused and the other annoyed. Ron looked up at Harry again and asked gruffly “what other subjects are you taking then?” 

Harry sighed, frustrated then continued “Along with the subjects that you are taking I'm doing Care of Magical Creatures, Arithmancy, with Hermione-” He glanced at her and she smile at him proudly as he continued “ and I'll also be taking Muggles Studies and I guess I'll do Herbology too if you want me to do all the subjects you’re doing with you.”  
Ron let out a “Humph” of annoyance but said nothing.

There was a stony silence in the compartment broken by the whistle of the train and the drivers voice echoing through the train, “we’ll be at Hogwarts in 5 minutes prepare yourself to leave”

Harry jumped to his feet cursing and quickly grabbed his robes and changed. He finished buttoning his robe just in time to steady himself as the train slowed and then stopped in front of the gates to the school.

He made his trunk float down to the floor and cast a lightening charm on it before beginning to haul it out to the corridor leading off the train. 

An hour later he was found in his Dormitory sitting next to his bed on the floor his head resting on the side of the mattress. He’d decided to skip the feast claiming he’d had a headache. He’d really just been too exhausted to keep up his hero act. He groaned and rubbed his forehead. A real headache was forming now and all he wanted to do was fall into bed and sleep. But he knew there would be no sleep waiting for him when he fell into unconsciousness only the never-ending nightmares that pursued him even when he was awake. 

He ran his hand through his hair again trying to think over his pounding head and the tiredness that was fogging his brain, when a light touch on his shoulder made him start he had his wand in his hand and pointed behind him with a spell on his lips in a second as he spun around to face- “Neville? Goddamnit man don’t do that” 

He blinked a couple of times trying to register the, the man before him. Neville was so, so... different. His shoulders were broader and his frame more muscular. He also carried himself differently. It was as though something in him had settled and that he’d at last been able to find the self-confidence he had so lacked in the last 6 years that they’d shared dormitories.

“Hey” Neville nodded down at him then proceeded to slide down to the floor next to Harry. 

“Hey?” Harry asked astonished. “Hey, is all you’ve got to say? You nearly scared the shit out of me.”

Neville grinned and said “You’re the one who nearly stabbed out my eyes with a wand”

“That does not count” Harry said still trying to calm his raging heart and then said “what happened Neville? You’ve changed” 

“Apparently I’m not the only one” said Neville eyeing Harry’s thin frame. He looked more closely at Harrys face and raised his brows “Have you been losing sleep?” he asked

Harry looked away avoiding his gaze. He’d forgotten to put the concealing charm that hid the signs of exhaustion on his face, back on when Neville had startled him. He said nothing only chewing his lip nervously as he waited for Neville to react, for the blows to land. Whether emotional or physical.

Neville gripped his chin and forced Harry’s face back to him, Harry looked reluctantly back up at Neville trying to read his face.  
“You don’t need to be ashamed Harry. There is nothing to be ashamed of.” Harry tried to look away, but Neville tightened his grip. 

“I have nightmares too, everyone who was in the war has them. Some are worse some are better, but we all have them. It’s going to take a while for us to adjust to normal life, to not think that every shadow we see has Voldemort or his followers lurking there. It’s nothing to ashamed of, you’ve defeated Voldemort, you hunted down his horcruxes, you face death several times with no hesitation and saved the wizarding world just as many times I wouldn’t even be alive if it weren’t for you sacrificing yourself to protect us from his spells.”

Harry stamped his foot on the ground impatiently, fine I did all those things but that doesn’t mean I should still be afraid of him. Every time I see those blood-stained walls outside” he said gesturing at the window next to his bed, “I think that, that’s the blood of innocents that I was to cowardly to save, to slow to stop they’re and many others deaths. So, tell me how it’s not my fault they’re dead”

Neville shook his head and said with a sad smile “That’s not something I can do. That what you need to decide for yourself, did your actions save enough people? Or did your hesitation kill more. I can’t tell you that. Even if I did, I would only be giving you my opinion and it still wouldn’t convince you, it has to be you that decides that answer”

Harry let out a noise of frustration and got up, “I’m going to sleep before the others get back tell the others that my headache got worse or something” he said before striding over to his bead and changing into his sleeping clothes. Neville remained sitting at the foot of his bed, head still leaning against the mattress staring at some point in the distance that Harry couldn’t see.  
Harry got into his bed curling up among the blankets still watching Neville who made no move to get up. Only stared out the window at the stars his gaze contemplative. The last thing Harry remembered before he fell asleep were the locks of midnight black that were curling around the nape of Neville’s neck. Like wisps of shadow, like strands from a starless night.

Harry had changed so much. That was all that Neville could think as he sat next to the sleeping boys’ bed. It was a miracle he was still alive with all the shadows that were trailing after him. He felt a strange fondness for Harry. He had done so much for Neville, protecting him from Malfoy, standing up for him when Neville hadn’t been able to do it for himself, and when Neville had gotten the courage to lead the DA along with Ginny and Luna and finally to stand up to Voldemort and declare his allegiance to the DA before killing Voldemort’s snake it had come from Harry. From Harry always standing up for him, always doing the right thing even if it ruined him. 

Now it was Neville’s turn to repay what Harry had done for him. To help him out of the personal hell he was currently in. He sighed and closed his eyes tumbling into sleep almost seconds later.

The was a rushing darkness around him. It spun him in dizzying circles, whirling over him. He could feel his hair whipping around him as he plummeted through it but couldn’t see anything. He opened his eyes; the sense of falling was gone and so was the wind. He was in a dark room illuminated by a faint light he couldn’t trace. There were no windows only one door. It was open and nothing, but darkness showed beyond it. He stood up slowly, warily. Where was he? He took a step towards the door but it snapped shut, he rushed over to it and tried to turn the knob but it was locked from the outside, he took a step back and shoved his weight against the door trying to force it open, but it didn’t budge.

He glanced behind him at the walls. They were moving, moving slowly in, towards him. “Oh god, no, no, no, no, no. He slammed his palm against the door it didn’t shift. Let me out” he shouted over the rushing in his head, filling his ears. He whirled around trying to find another way out, but there were none. No windows, no vents, no tunnels, only the door. Oh god, he was trapped in this place in this darkness. It was too small he couldn’t breathe, couldn’t move, for the sheer panic that was roaring through him. The walls closed in, it was too small, the space, he couldn’t move, he had to get out. Harry clutched at his head hugging himself, whispering over and over “just a dream, its just a dream. You’ll wake up, you’ll wake up.” But he wouldn’t, he knew he wouldn’t for there was no escape from this never-ending nightmare.

Cool hands gripped his shoulders hauling him upright, and Harry shuddered back to consciousness, Neville was looking down at him concern etched all over his face. “Should I take you outside Harry?” he asked. 

Harry shook his head jerkily and said shakily “No, no I’m fine, where are the others?”

Neville eyed him for a moment and said “they’re still at the feast, you weren’t asleep for long”

Harry took a shuddering breath of relief and sighed “thank god” 

Neville looked at him questioningly and Harry realized he’d spoken out loud. He opened his mouth trying to think of an excuse, but Neville stopped him asking “do Ron and Hermione know?”

Harry tried to lie to say yes but the words stuck in his throat like cement. Neville sighed running a hand through his hair and sitting down on the bed next to Harry. It creaked as his weight settled on it. Neville said nothing for a few seconds then said softly but not weakly “It would help if you told someone, maybe you’re not ready to tell Ron but why not Hermione, she’d understand”

Harry looked away his face burning, “no” he said quietly. 

“why not” said Neville a note of challenge in his voice.

Harry turned to him “It’s not that simple” he said angrily, “I can’t just go to them and say hey guys I can’t sleep at night because I’m having nightmares about all the dead people I couldn’t save, I can’t breathe most of the time because of the panic attacks I get whenever I see anything that reminds me of them, oh and by the way I have depression I can barley feel anything except for pain, and panic these days because of that damned war. What the hell do you think they’d say to that?”

“They’d want to help you” said Neville after a moment of thought

Harry shook his head and said “I can’t do that to them. I can’t place that burden on them, no matter how much I want to. They’re so happy right now, why should I change that? Why should I ruin it for them?”

Neville opened his mouth, but no words came out. He closed it and after a moment he said “Its their job to worry for you Harry, that’s what friends do. They care for you when you can’t, they’re, there for you when your knocked down to help you get back up. If you don’t want them to do that for you then they’re not your friends”

“I just don’t want to hurt them” Harry said softly, 

“I know” said Neville “and I understand, I really do, I’m not going to tell them anything that’s going to be a choice you have to make”

Harry closed his eyes “I know” he said. He lay down on the bed again putting a hand behind his head. There was a long silence then Harry asked quietly “Can you hold me Neville, just for one night?” 

Neville hesitated an odd expression on his face, then inched over to Harry and settled beside him. Harry’s back was to Neville so he couldn’t see him as he looped his muscular arms around Harrys waist pulling him close and holding him tightly. For a while they just both lay their in the silence saying nothing, eventually Neville’s breathing deepened evening out until Harry knew he was asleep, Harry felt his eyes drifting closed and as he fell asleep with Neville’s arms around him holding him close, his breathing a steady inhale and exhale, Harry felt for the first time in a while safe at last.


End file.
